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Monday, April 17, 2006

The Only Thing In the World That I'm Afraid Of


Sometimes during church or in a private setting someone will want to pray with me and I want to resist with everything I have. Then they put their hand on me and I start balling and they are shocked. The reality is that I'm a big weak ball of mush inside. I put up such a big front because I don't want to be exposed. I'm a coward in this way. I'm not sure what I'm afraid people will see, but it's pretty much the only thing in the world that I'm afraid of and I'm a fucking cripple because of it.

Never let them see the man behind the curtain.

2 comments:

wilsonian said...

I'm sorry. The fear of being known (of really, really being known) has left me in the same condition. There is hope though. Last Monday I sat with three women I trust and told them the worst things I've ever done in my life.

The world didn't end. My world didn't end. They took it in, and prayed with me, and continue to love me. I'm still shocked. I've become really good at extending grace, but I pretty much suck at receiving it.

Can I ask you something, Ryan? What is your worst fear... being known and rejected, or being known and loved?

Ryan Kellermeyer said...

If I answer this question, you might reject me or love me and, depending on how I answer, that could be painful. Just kidding.

Good question, but I don't know the answer. But I would guess rejection. It just makes more sense. Why would I be afraid of people loving me? Maybe if it were a sort of Kathy Bates a la "Misery" kind of way, then yeah, I'd be afraid. But otherwise, I think love is pretty cool.